Dear Myself,

Dear Myself,

Hey there buddy.  It’s been a rough couple of months hasn’t it?  Couldn’t bring yourself to write another post huh.  To make matters seem worse it was around Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Times of the year which should be filled with love and emotional fulfillment.

Put in this perspective I think I need a new favorite holiday.  There is so much pressure put into the end of the year.  Like, “Hey we couldn’t be thankful and giving all year so let’s try and save face and cram it all into a couple months.” It is interesting the weight we assign to holidays.  Of course Christmas is mostly everyone’s general favorite.  It’s like everyone get’s a second birthday during the year.  Thanksgiving we get to be gluttons and then make new years resolutions to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN BECAUSE THAT LAST HELPING OF MASHED POTATOES AMLOST KILLED ME.

Don’t get me wrong I love getting making and wrapping presents.  The music is cheerful sweater weather is the best and  peppermint is my version of crack.  With all this going on the last three months sometimes I feel like I go into “happy” overload.  The need to feel positive vibes and contentment outweighs the real issues going on around me.  I need to fit in with the other thousands of smiling faces around me.  The world has me well conditioned.  If I’m told I’m supposed to be happy I’m going to try my hardest to oblige.

When the ball falls on NYE the hammer also falls down hard.  The glow and the glitter of the holidays wares off and the realization that the new year and the new day is no different from the 365 that we just left behind sets in.  Now that I’ve said all of that I don’t mean this to be a melodramatic world hating post.  The only reason that January 1st is not different than the days that came before it is simply because everyday is special and glittering and full of love and amazing.  Well, it is if we want it to be.

For me I let the hammer fall early this year.  After returning from living abroad, I had a fresh new dreamy expectation of what my life would be back in America.  Everyone would be wetting themselves with excitement when I got off that plane and the home of the free and the brave would rejoice to have it’s daughter home.  Basically I was kind of a deluded selfish b-hole.  The delusion didn’t end there however as I spent the next couple months sleeping on the floor of my parent’s 1 bedroom apartment and taking odd jobs for non profits family friends and babysitting.  You would think that would ground me, but with pockets full from 3 years of a lump sum pension pay out I was going to take a two month trip across the states.  Also Hawaii in itself is pretty luxurious living not gonna lie.

So after the magic of Disney World, seeing such amazing sights all across mid America, being fawned over by friends in family in numerous states, and thinking I found love before leaving the mainland my ego…well it was huge.  I had been on the high of transition for way too long.  When it came time to settle and find a routine again, my crystal ball shattered.  Real world problems enveloped both my waking moments as well as the unconscious.  For any normal person this is just life, but for one who has been on vacation for 9 months it is hell in a haystack.

I started off pretty strong with getting a couple part time jobs and feeling like I was contributing to society again.  Then as new problems and news kept piling on I slipped slowly into a york peppermint patty Netflix induced coma.  For two weeks through Christmas I was a walking talking bundle of joy, but it was like someone was pulling my strings like a marionette.  Numb is the closest feeling to describe my holidays.  I won’t go into details about why, but the absence of feeling and the hole is bored into me was like nothing I’ve experienced.

And then an incident finally made me feel something.  Anger.  It doesn’t sound like the best progression, but from anger I was able to give into a lot of the other emotions I’d been suppressing throughout everything.  There came a moment however on new year’s eve, sitting on the couch of my friends house sharing a 20 piece chicken mcnugget meal watching korean soap operas, when the healing started.  It sounds ridiculous and weird but it’s the truth.

Having people say they’re sorry and empathizing with you is such a blessing, but at the time all I want to yell is REALLY?! REALLY YOU GET IT AND YOU’RE SORRY?! Well whoop dee friggen doo that changes everything.  Everything honestly happens in God’s time planning application timing and all.  There’s no way that we will understand it with earthly means, so the best we can do is accept and make peace with the past and go with what is happening in the present.  I didn’t come to truly appreciate the sentiment of what my friends and family were saying to me till that moment on that couch.

I’m mostly writing this post for myself hence the title, but for anyone who has asked me how i’m doing recently out of love and caring, and I’ve kind of pushed the subject off to the side here’s why.  Everything I’ve said here is truthful, from my heart, and slightly cathartic, but it doesn’t change anything.  Every time I rehash events of the past, it’s like reliving a lot of them.  The only thing that has worked is to give up the worry and problems to a higher power and go on being supportive and loving to the people around me.

Life moves forwards not backwards, and it’s no use to live in times past whether they be joyful or sorrowful.  It’s not that I’m not grateful for concern, in fact it’s amazing that people think about the issues in my life at all when everyone has so much going on.  I don’t want to draw energy from others anymore.  The holidays have been emotional enough as it is, you don’t need my problems tugging on your left over zeal stealing your vitality.  Just know I love you all for who you are and all that you do, but let’s work on making future memories rather than reveling in times gone by.

To conclude my longwindedness, my new favorite holiday is Halloween.  It’s always ridden a close second to Christmas only because Christmas lacks a lot of chics walking around half naked dressed as sexy bears and sexy fish and whatnot.  But you do get you dress as whatever you want eat a bunch of candy and get to see a bunch of adorable trick or treaters.  Win win despite all the sexiness.

Well buddy, it’s been a rough couple of months.  But you’re ok.  And you wrote a new post!  Huzzah!  It’s a new day and a fresh pristine opportunity to make some magic happen.  That sounded like some weird espn announcer.  “Give him the hammer!” “Goodbye. Game over. Drive home safely.”  Ok I’m done.