Dear nice girls,

Dear nice girls,

In the world of today, I feel like the idea of the nice guy finishing last has become something we all feel for.  Girls want the bad boy right? We want to change what couldn’t be changed, we want what we can’t have.  I get that.  But…what about the nice girl?

I don’t think I’ve ever come across an article or conversation that laments for the nice girl.  They are portrayed as naive or easy; inherently they are wrong for not putting up defenses, refusing to play the game, and being silly enough to think kindness yields further kindness.

Guys, you want the bad girl with daddy issues just as much as girls crave the badass rule breaker.  You want the challenge of the chase, the thrill of being ahead in the “game” and the rush that comes with the lack of commitment these relationships require.  In fact its like a get out of jail free card when things start moving in the direction of dedication.

“I had trouble with girls in the past so I don’t want to commit to anything right now.” Of course you had troubled relationships in the past HELLO or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation TODAY.  You’d be happily with someone that you decided was worth becoming emotionally available for and not giving me the same line you’ve fed countless others to avoid the very thing dating and relationships are meant to foster: companionship and belonging.  Don’t punish someone for trying to give you what we all ultimately seek.

I’m not going to say I am perfect, but I think I fall into the category of a ‘good girl’.  Since when is it bad to openly care about and want the best for someone and want that someone to reciprocate those feelings?  It’s not.  But after years of rejection for trying to foster healthy communication with the wrong guys, it gets to feel this way.  The thing to remember is that when they say, “It’s not you it’s me” it really is them.

The 21st century has reduced the ideas of courting and dating, which had the specific purpose of creating lasting relationships, to “hanging out” and “talking”.  You ask any twenty something just starting a new emotional endeavor at any stage they are just “hangin out” or “chillin”.  Phrases that reek of non commitment are the flavor of the week.  Both men and women are guilty of this myself included.  Its just out of the question to be vulnerable to someone, and without putting yourself out there you don’t run the risk of truly getting hurt.

My question is…why?  If you don’t want be with someone why put yourself out there in the first place?  Obviously you want something from the companionship of another individual.  What is it, sexual fulfillment?  Emotional support?  Escape from boredom?  I think it boils down to one thing: insecurity.  You need the validation of someone else to build you up, but selfishly lack the empathy to want to feed that emotional energy back.  If you become vulnerable by giving a part of yourself to someone else, there’s a chance of falling…and why step out to the the edge of that cliff if you don’t have to?

What fulfillment comes of starting the journey,  and bailing out halfway to the finish line?  Why are you even out there dating if you don’t want to be with anyone?  Commitment issues aside putting yourself out there to meet people shows a want for something, and I doubt being a hit it and quit it douche is high on anyone’s list of goals (to be fair it is for some).  We’ve become a society so used to instant gratification, we expect relationships to be the same way.  “Hey, I’m not enjoying this right now, time to move on.”  Whatever happened to, “You can’t hurry love no you just have to wait…love don’t cone easy it’s a game of give and take.”

I never understood sleeping around.  Call me a prude but the idea is childish and dangerous both physically and emotionally.  Doesn’t having an amazing emotional trust filled connection with one individual (on the daily probably I might add) beat searching around trying to find someone easy and loose enough to sex up for the short term?  I can’t answer any of  these questions for anyone else other than myself…but the moral compass in me can see which individuals are living for themselves, and which are living for a greater purpose.

For you noncommittal types out there, if you’re not ready to swim, stay out of the pool.  You’re detracting from those who are serious swimmers.  Don’t bring your old full baggage to the table either.  Every new relationship is an empty vessel for you to fill with your someone new.  They had nothing to do with your old flame, nor should they reap the consequences of previous issues.

Nice girls and guys, never let anyone make you think your openheartedness comes from a place of naivate or weakness.  You are the ones brave enough to wear your truest intentions on your sleeves and love with your hearts and not your heads.

When you get hurt, learn to see what really brought about the pain and not blame your want to care and give the best part of yourself to someone you thought felt the same. Also in some cases don’t give up on the object of your affections.  They probably are damaged and don’t see the beauty of courtship as you do.  I’m not saying work at them till they yield and become your reluctant significant other(that’s crazy territory), but if you truly want the world for them, show that there is such thing as unconditional kindness.  Whether that means continual friendship or a positive exit strategy, no one can deny a genuine person and their actions.

From one nice girl to another, you are on the right path.  Showing who you really are upfront and not giving into the game is a strength not a weakness.  Take friendzones as compliments for it means you are someone worth the long term, but know that you deserve so much more than unrequited love.  There is someone who is waiting to show you the amazing parts of yourself that you make it a point to bring out in the people around you.  They will be worth the wait as we already know what it means to “finish last”.  Don’t let anyone ever shake your confidence in being exactly who you are; for that is more than any one man deserves.

Xoxo,

WLK

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Dear My Last Days,

Dear My Last Days,

For a year now I’ve seen this video pop up on my radar here and there on social media and friends blogs, but for some reason there was a part of me that never wanted to click the play button.  The description of the video begins as follows: “Zach Sobiech is a 17 year old diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer. With only months to live, Zach turned to music to say goodbye…”  It’s just one of those things where I know cancer happens every day and having personally been touched by the disease, I wasn’t about to try and emotionally make myself vulnerable to someone else’s story; I was too busy with my own.  To me it’s funny that although we are all separate living entities, ‘life’ is only built by the accumulated interactions we share.  I’m not sure what caused me to give in and watch the 20 minute documentary today, but it’s a good thing that it happened.

It’s a symptom of being a 20 something, but recently I’ve been in a state of trying to ‘get my life together’ and ruminate on all the small issues that compile themselves into the daily stress I walk through.  It’s been a time of worry and constant anxiety about how I will ‘make it’ and micromanaging my emotions to the point where I tended to turn numb to issues I would normally be very passionate about in order to avoid the headache of caring.  I’m not going to say this video changed all that, but it’s beautiful portrayal of the way one person lived to truly and purely touch the lives of the people around him.  It helped remind me of where my real goals are at as opposed to what the world is telling me I should be doing.

I think as a social species, it’s easier to turn to the ideas and the advice of others rather than trying to work out issues ourselves.  It’s not horrible to talk to friends about whats going on, but there comes a certain point where I feel the conversation is dictated by finding some sort of answer to the issue rather than the bonding of mutual understanding and exchange of thoughts.  Friends will never be me or in the exact situation I find myself in, and outside commentary can become distracting if not taken in the right mind set.  It makes me feel like there is a mold I need to fit into in order to become successful in the various areas of my life, and this constriction is what causes the anxiety felt toward most situations.

This anxiety is the world talking at me.  It’s the cold calculated general consensus of what life should be and needs to have in it in order to make me happy, and like a lot of things what the world says is a lie.  There’s no formula or mold to happiness or success.  When it’s all boiled down and I take a step back the words Zach says about affecting others ring true.  If the people in my life are happy, it’s really all that matters to me.  It also frees me from the constrictions of trying to figure out where I should be at and which people I should be spending time with.  No matter what someone’s past is unto themselves or coinciding with my own, there are reasons why they are still in my life.  History is history and although educational, does not dictate the future in and of itself.  It’s time to stop worrying about why people are who they are or what they are to me and if they should be in my life, and just enjoy things as they happen and let people know that I love them.

When it comes down to it, all worry and anxiety can be traced back to fear of mortality.  Not being able to get what we want in life, not being fulfilled before we pass, not making a mark on the world; these are really the heart of what causes us to be up at night.  I thought Zach summed up these fears in such a beautifully simplistic way.  He says, “Death is just another thing on the agenda kind of.  Yeah it’s scary, but the only reason why it’s scary is because you don’t know what’s next, or if there is a next.  It’s kind of like sitting in the dark. So you can either choose to be freaking out in the dark and thinking ‘what’s out there?’ Or you can just relax and fall asleep.”

Things will happen.  People and situations will hurt us, it’s natural to feel sadness and pain. On the other side of the coin we can’t live life in the shadow of these moments waiting for the next one to happen.  We can’t over analyze our issues to the point of being black and white and safe because emotion is what makes life wonderful.  We are all so blessed to have stories like Zach’s to reflect on and let ourselves be vulnerable to.  I highly recommend taking the 22 minutes and 20 seconds to share in his beautiful life and message.  (I also highly recommend doing it at a moment when tissues are accessible.  I was a teary snotty mess walking home from my run today.)

Do what makes you fulfilled, love the people who deserve it, and remember that life is a magnificent process that carries on even when we’re not there to see it.

xoxo,

-WLK