Dear Forgiveness,

Disclaimer: This post is going to be pretty self involved, but I figure it’s my blog and all the posts seem to go that way so I’m sure whoever is reading this will excuse that fact.  Also I’m going to just use Tina Fey GIFs to aid in explaining where I’m at.

Dear Forgiveness,

Like I’ve said over and over I’ve had a rough couple years blah blah…you’re like who hasn’t right?  I get it old news.  In a lot of these posts I’ve tried to fathom and figure and explain my situations and ultimately give myself an answer to what’s going on.  It’s cool for a little while, but then something else “world shattering” happens and I’m back in my hole prattling off random vents and feel good quotes in order to make sense of life and get back on the horse.  It’s a vicious cycle that stems from one fact: I think I know how to handle life.  Recent realization (that should come as no surprise) I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL I’M DOING.

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I’m just you know kind of awkwardly dancing through life tip toeing around my issues never really delving into what the heart of my problems are.  Living by the rules of the world, I tried to be a “nice person”.  The way I was brought up I figured as long as I did good things and was nice to people everything would sort itself out.  It was like a universal checklist to live a successful life was laid out and I was all…I can handle that.

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The problem is just being nice really gets you nowhere.  I know that is totally contradictory to the title of my last post, but once again I didn’t fully commit to that one and go into the specifics of what I meant.  Just being a “nice” person with no other real motive behind it other than to you know fit in with other people and stuff is so bland.  It also is actually really hard because then you got all them not so nice people taking advantage of your niceness and because you’re living without any conviction shit just kind of always seems to hit the fan.  And although the nuclear dream of getting a good job, having a family, and “making it” in the eyes of society is indeed a good goal, it’s so hard to make that ideal.  This all caused a lot of mental crazy for me and I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep over the past year or so.

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Looking to friends and family was a band-aid help for a while, but really we are all separate beings with singular agendas.  It’s not a bash on people I absolutely adore the people in my life, but really don’t depend so heavily on the advice of someone who doesn’t have to live out your situations.  It’s well meaning, but flawed due to the fact they will never be you.  So if I can’t rely on myself to sort all my crazy, the people I love can’t help me…what the heck am I supposed to do?

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Now here’s where some people can stop ready because I’m guna sound a little preachy, but all my life I’ve been a “Christian” which fell into the category of really just tryna be a “nice person” and then attaching God to the end as a nice adage.  I wouldn’t say there is anything to constitute a good Christian, but honestly if there was I wasn’t it.  I still lived for myself relied on myself and tip toed around moral gray areas I thought were indispensable to my life and couldn’t readily give up for anything even Jesus.  Even when my friends started living the God life, I kind of wrote it off as a fad overzealous individuals used as a kind of high horse to sit on.

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Recently though, very recently in fact that changed.  There was an event that occurred involving alcohol possibly drugs and bad decisions based on unfounded emotions that basically ended up just being a bad situation overall.

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Of course the person I was spiraled and went deep underground for a quick minute to try and avoid questions and commentary.  And really sometimes doesn’t it feel good to have drama?  Something to occupy all your waking thoughts and fill you up to emotional capacity?  I’ve gotten so used to feeling bad about things it’s honestly a norm in my life and I find myself constantly apologizing to everyone.  Everyone except the most important person, myself.

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AH HA!  That’s where the title comes in.  So back to Jesus.  Always thought hey what a cool dude, but I will NEVER live up to those expectations…so why try?  But the point of it all is not to try to be the almighty, he already has given us salvation by dying on the cross for our sins.  Too preachy?  But honestly though God would NEVER expect that from us cuz he knows ain’t NOBODY got time for that.  At 3 in the morning a week after I’d been in the hole crawling around looking for my own way out from this situation not sleeping, not eating, not living, God was kind of like, “ok serious enough girl.”

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I’m not sure what language God speaks to other people in, but that’s honest to goodness the words I heard.  And I am pretty sure my whole life (if I were Jesus) that is the face I would have been making looking at my reactions to situations.  But even if that’s true I didn’t feel that way about it, I was just happy to have open communication with someone I was sure KNEW my problems and had real answers to them; basically He said, “Just give them to me, I got this.”  What?  Just…give my problems away…don’t…you know take responsibility and try and solve them?  Crazy talk.

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Grace is not tangible.  It’s not something the mind can comprehend especially one that feels like you can’t get something for nothing.  God just won’t take my problems away I don’t deserve that.  But that is true love.  It’s not that being a follower of Christ is easy and all problems are just going to fly away into space, but with true grace we can hold onto the knowledge that no matter what is happening, its preparing us for the next step.  Problems of today are not the end all and be all.  Giving them up to God doesn’t mean the issue is done, but we can be at peace knowing good is going to come out of it because our actions are dictated by a higher power with an understanding we will never have on our own.

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It’s hard to relinquish control.  We WANT to know and understand everything in our lives it’s a safety mechanism.  100% of the time we are going to try and rely on ourselves first…and fail.  When I say fail I don’t mean we fall on our faces, but we don’t get the full gift that God put out there for us.  Believing is about relationship with the Holy Spirit, not rules.  The big man knows we are flawed, he made us that way, but only so that we can come back to Him and put our minds at ease knowing that He’s for sure got this.  We got a whole heavenly host of a support system workin on it guys.  We are going to make mistakes, but God will make them beneficial misguidances.

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It’s hard for me to explain because I have my own understanding of my relationship with God which like I said before is different than any other person.  I also probably sound bat shit loco to some people (but they’ve probably stopped reading by now anyway) To conclude my longwindedness I just want to go back to why I started.  What God has put on my heart right now is forgiveness.  Before I can forgive anyone who has wronged me or ask forgiveness of them for my wrongdoings, I need to first forgive myself.  We put to much on our consciousness’.

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Whether it’s about we’re not fit or pretty enough or we don’t make enough money or we’re not good enough people, God wants us to just slow our roll and be content that honestly we’ve come a long way.  The future is the future and we have such a small understanding of what that could be, let’s just work on being thankful and positive and live in the grace of today.  Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you think you’ve made so they don’t hold you back from exploring what’s to come.  It sure as hell ain’t an easy thing to do, but it opens up your heart so much more to the people who care and relieves it from worry that is out of your control.  Also the things I was unwilling to give up before don’t seem as important given the comparison.  Glory for one night in the world vs and eternity of love and grace…and this way I can guarans that these stupid drunken mistakes won’t happen again because I just won’t be in those situations anymore.  Win win.

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Ok. I’m done.  Not really life is still going and I got a lot of living to do, but now that there is a bigger purpose to why I’m doing things life looks a lot brighter.  I’m not sadly awkwardly dancing around by myself, now there’s someone always dancing with me in whatever I do; who will never leave no matter how bad the songs I choose are.  That is the greatest comfort I have ever known.  I will live my life extending this awesome non stop dance party to the people I love around me.  I’m always here to help you find a way out of your own holes, or for real just to shake it through life like the happy lunatics we all are.  Cuz lez be honest, bitch just wants to dance. (And God loves you!)

xoxo,

WLK

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