Dear Forgiveness,

Disclaimer: This post is going to be pretty self involved, but I figure it’s my blog and all the posts seem to go that way so I’m sure whoever is reading this will excuse that fact.  Also I’m going to just use Tina Fey GIFs to aid in explaining where I’m at.

Dear Forgiveness,

Like I’ve said over and over I’ve had a rough couple years blah blah…you’re like who hasn’t right?  I get it old news.  In a lot of these posts I’ve tried to fathom and figure and explain my situations and ultimately give myself an answer to what’s going on.  It’s cool for a little while, but then something else “world shattering” happens and I’m back in my hole prattling off random vents and feel good quotes in order to make sense of life and get back on the horse.  It’s a vicious cycle that stems from one fact: I think I know how to handle life.  Recent realization (that should come as no surprise) I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL I’M DOING.


I’m just you know kind of awkwardly dancing through life tip toeing around my issues never really delving into what the heart of my problems are.  Living by the rules of the world, I tried to be a “nice person”.  The way I was brought up I figured as long as I did good things and was nice to people everything would sort itself out.  It was like a universal checklist to live a successful life was laid out and I was all…I can handle that.


The problem is just being nice really gets you nowhere.  I know that is totally contradictory to the title of my last post, but once again I didn’t fully commit to that one and go into the specifics of what I meant.  Just being a “nice” person with no other real motive behind it other than to you know fit in with other people and stuff is so bland.  It also is actually really hard because then you got all them not so nice people taking advantage of your niceness and because you’re living without any conviction shit just kind of always seems to hit the fan.  And although the nuclear dream of getting a good job, having a family, and “making it” in the eyes of society is indeed a good goal, it’s so hard to make that ideal.  This all caused a lot of mental crazy for me and I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep over the past year or so.


Looking to friends and family was a band-aid help for a while, but really we are all separate beings with singular agendas.  It’s not a bash on people I absolutely adore the people in my life, but really don’t depend so heavily on the advice of someone who doesn’t have to live out your situations.  It’s well meaning, but flawed due to the fact they will never be you.  So if I can’t rely on myself to sort all my crazy, the people I love can’t help me…what the heck am I supposed to do?


Now here’s where some people can stop ready because I’m guna sound a little preachy, but all my life I’ve been a “Christian” which fell into the category of really just tryna be a “nice person” and then attaching God to the end as a nice adage.  I wouldn’t say there is anything to constitute a good Christian, but honestly if there was I wasn’t it.  I still lived for myself relied on myself and tip toed around moral gray areas I thought were indispensable to my life and couldn’t readily give up for anything even Jesus.  Even when my friends started living the God life, I kind of wrote it off as a fad overzealous individuals used as a kind of high horse to sit on.


Recently though, very recently in fact that changed.  There was an event that occurred involving alcohol possibly drugs and bad decisions based on unfounded emotions that basically ended up just being a bad situation overall.


Of course the person I was spiraled and went deep underground for a quick minute to try and avoid questions and commentary.  And really sometimes doesn’t it feel good to have drama?  Something to occupy all your waking thoughts and fill you up to emotional capacity?  I’ve gotten so used to feeling bad about things it’s honestly a norm in my life and I find myself constantly apologizing to everyone.  Everyone except the most important person, myself.


AH HA!  That’s where the title comes in.  So back to Jesus.  Always thought hey what a cool dude, but I will NEVER live up to those expectations…so why try?  But the point of it all is not to try to be the almighty, he already has given us salvation by dying on the cross for our sins.  Too preachy?  But honestly though God would NEVER expect that from us cuz he knows ain’t NOBODY got time for that.  At 3 in the morning a week after I’d been in the hole crawling around looking for my own way out from this situation not sleeping, not eating, not living, God was kind of like, “ok serious enough girl.”


I’m not sure what language God speaks to other people in, but that’s honest to goodness the words I heard.  And I am pretty sure my whole life (if I were Jesus) that is the face I would have been making looking at my reactions to situations.  But even if that’s true I didn’t feel that way about it, I was just happy to have open communication with someone I was sure KNEW my problems and had real answers to them; basically He said, “Just give them to me, I got this.”  What?  Just…give my problems away…don’t…you know take responsibility and try and solve them?  Crazy talk.


Grace is not tangible.  It’s not something the mind can comprehend especially one that feels like you can’t get something for nothing.  God just won’t take my problems away I don’t deserve that.  But that is true love.  It’s not that being a follower of Christ is easy and all problems are just going to fly away into space, but with true grace we can hold onto the knowledge that no matter what is happening, its preparing us for the next step.  Problems of today are not the end all and be all.  Giving them up to God doesn’t mean the issue is done, but we can be at peace knowing good is going to come out of it because our actions are dictated by a higher power with an understanding we will never have on our own.


It’s hard to relinquish control.  We WANT to know and understand everything in our lives it’s a safety mechanism.  100% of the time we are going to try and rely on ourselves first…and fail.  When I say fail I don’t mean we fall on our faces, but we don’t get the full gift that God put out there for us.  Believing is about relationship with the Holy Spirit, not rules.  The big man knows we are flawed, he made us that way, but only so that we can come back to Him and put our minds at ease knowing that He’s for sure got this.  We got a whole heavenly host of a support system workin on it guys.  We are going to make mistakes, but God will make them beneficial misguidances.


It’s hard for me to explain because I have my own understanding of my relationship with God which like I said before is different than any other person.  I also probably sound bat shit loco to some people (but they’ve probably stopped reading by now anyway) To conclude my longwindedness I just want to go back to why I started.  What God has put on my heart right now is forgiveness.  Before I can forgive anyone who has wronged me or ask forgiveness of them for my wrongdoings, I need to first forgive myself.  We put to much on our consciousness’.


Whether it’s about we’re not fit or pretty enough or we don’t make enough money or we’re not good enough people, God wants us to just slow our roll and be content that honestly we’ve come a long way.  The future is the future and we have such a small understanding of what that could be, let’s just work on being thankful and positive and live in the grace of today.  Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you think you’ve made so they don’t hold you back from exploring what’s to come.  It sure as hell ain’t an easy thing to do, but it opens up your heart so much more to the people who care and relieves it from worry that is out of your control.  Also the things I was unwilling to give up before don’t seem as important given the comparison.  Glory for one night in the world vs and eternity of love and grace…and this way I can guarans that these stupid drunken mistakes won’t happen again because I just won’t be in those situations anymore.  Win win.


Ok. I’m done.  Not really life is still going and I got a lot of living to do, but now that there is a bigger purpose to why I’m doing things life looks a lot brighter.  I’m not sadly awkwardly dancing around by myself, now there’s someone always dancing with me in whatever I do; who will never leave no matter how bad the songs I choose are.  That is the greatest comfort I have ever known.  I will live my life extending this awesome non stop dance party to the people I love around me.  I’m always here to help you find a way out of your own holes, or for real just to shake it through life like the happy lunatics we all are.  Cuz lez be honest, bitch just wants to dance. (And God loves you!)




Dear nice girls,

Dear nice girls,

In the world of today, I feel like the idea of the nice guy finishing last has become something we all feel for.  Girls want the bad boy right? We want to change what couldn’t be changed, we want what we can’t have.  I get that.  But…what about the nice girl?

I don’t think I’ve ever come across an article or conversation that laments for the nice girl.  They are portrayed as naive or easy; inherently they are wrong for not putting up defenses, refusing to play the game, and being silly enough to think kindness yields further kindness.

Guys, you want the bad girl with daddy issues just as much as girls crave the badass rule breaker.  You want the challenge of the chase, the thrill of being ahead in the “game” and the rush that comes with the lack of commitment these relationships require.  In fact its like a get out of jail free card when things start moving in the direction of dedication.

“I had trouble with girls in the past so I don’t want to commit to anything right now.” Of course you had troubled relationships in the past HELLO or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation TODAY.  You’d be happily with someone that you decided was worth becoming emotionally available for and not giving me the same line you’ve fed countless others to avoid the very thing dating and relationships are meant to foster: companionship and belonging.  Don’t punish someone for trying to give you what we all ultimately seek.

I’m not going to say I am perfect, but I think I fall into the category of a ‘good girl’.  Since when is it bad to openly care about and want the best for someone and want that someone to reciprocate those feelings?  It’s not.  But after years of rejection for trying to foster healthy communication with the wrong guys, it gets to feel this way.  The thing to remember is that when they say, “It’s not you it’s me” it really is them.

The 21st century has reduced the ideas of courting and dating, which had the specific purpose of creating lasting relationships, to “hanging out” and “talking”.  You ask any twenty something just starting a new emotional endeavor at any stage they are just “hangin out” or “chillin”.  Phrases that reek of non commitment are the flavor of the week.  Both men and women are guilty of this myself included.  Its just out of the question to be vulnerable to someone, and without putting yourself out there you don’t run the risk of truly getting hurt.

My question is…why?  If you don’t want be with someone why put yourself out there in the first place?  Obviously you want something from the companionship of another individual.  What is it, sexual fulfillment?  Emotional support?  Escape from boredom?  I think it boils down to one thing: insecurity.  You need the validation of someone else to build you up, but selfishly lack the empathy to want to feed that emotional energy back.  If you become vulnerable by giving a part of yourself to someone else, there’s a chance of falling…and why step out to the the edge of that cliff if you don’t have to?

What fulfillment comes of starting the journey,  and bailing out halfway to the finish line?  Why are you even out there dating if you don’t want to be with anyone?  Commitment issues aside putting yourself out there to meet people shows a want for something, and I doubt being a hit it and quit it douche is high on anyone’s list of goals (to be fair it is for some).  We’ve become a society so used to instant gratification, we expect relationships to be the same way.  “Hey, I’m not enjoying this right now, time to move on.”  Whatever happened to, “You can’t hurry love no you just have to wait…love don’t cone easy it’s a game of give and take.”

I never understood sleeping around.  Call me a prude but the idea is childish and dangerous both physically and emotionally.  Doesn’t having an amazing emotional trust filled connection with one individual (on the daily probably I might add) beat searching around trying to find someone easy and loose enough to sex up for the short term?  I can’t answer any of  these questions for anyone else other than myself…but the moral compass in me can see which individuals are living for themselves, and which are living for a greater purpose.

For you noncommittal types out there, if you’re not ready to swim, stay out of the pool.  You’re detracting from those who are serious swimmers.  Don’t bring your old full baggage to the table either.  Every new relationship is an empty vessel for you to fill with your someone new.  They had nothing to do with your old flame, nor should they reap the consequences of previous issues.

Nice girls and guys, never let anyone make you think your openheartedness comes from a place of naivate or weakness.  You are the ones brave enough to wear your truest intentions on your sleeves and love with your hearts and not your heads.

When you get hurt, learn to see what really brought about the pain and not blame your want to care and give the best part of yourself to someone you thought felt the same. Also in some cases don’t give up on the object of your affections.  They probably are damaged and don’t see the beauty of courtship as you do.  I’m not saying work at them till they yield and become your reluctant significant other(that’s crazy territory), but if you truly want the world for them, show that there is such thing as unconditional kindness.  Whether that means continual friendship or a positive exit strategy, no one can deny a genuine person and their actions.

From one nice girl to another, you are on the right path.  Showing who you really are upfront and not giving into the game is a strength not a weakness.  Take friendzones as compliments for it means you are someone worth the long term, but know that you deserve so much more than unrequited love.  There is someone who is waiting to show you the amazing parts of yourself that you make it a point to bring out in the people around you.  They will be worth the wait as we already know what it means to “finish last”.  Don’t let anyone ever shake your confidence in being exactly who you are; for that is more than any one man deserves.



Dear My Last Days,

Dear My Last Days,

For a year now I’ve seen this video pop up on my radar here and there on social media and friends blogs, but for some reason there was a part of me that never wanted to click the play button.  The description of the video begins as follows: “Zach Sobiech is a 17 year old diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer. With only months to live, Zach turned to music to say goodbye…”  It’s just one of those things where I know cancer happens every day and having personally been touched by the disease, I wasn’t about to try and emotionally make myself vulnerable to someone else’s story; I was too busy with my own.  To me it’s funny that although we are all separate living entities, ‘life’ is only built by the accumulated interactions we share.  I’m not sure what caused me to give in and watch the 20 minute documentary today, but it’s a good thing that it happened.

It’s a symptom of being a 20 something, but recently I’ve been in a state of trying to ‘get my life together’ and ruminate on all the small issues that compile themselves into the daily stress I walk through.  It’s been a time of worry and constant anxiety about how I will ‘make it’ and micromanaging my emotions to the point where I tended to turn numb to issues I would normally be very passionate about in order to avoid the headache of caring.  I’m not going to say this video changed all that, but it’s beautiful portrayal of the way one person lived to truly and purely touch the lives of the people around him.  It helped remind me of where my real goals are at as opposed to what the world is telling me I should be doing.

I think as a social species, it’s easier to turn to the ideas and the advice of others rather than trying to work out issues ourselves.  It’s not horrible to talk to friends about whats going on, but there comes a certain point where I feel the conversation is dictated by finding some sort of answer to the issue rather than the bonding of mutual understanding and exchange of thoughts.  Friends will never be me or in the exact situation I find myself in, and outside commentary can become distracting if not taken in the right mind set.  It makes me feel like there is a mold I need to fit into in order to become successful in the various areas of my life, and this constriction is what causes the anxiety felt toward most situations.

This anxiety is the world talking at me.  It’s the cold calculated general consensus of what life should be and needs to have in it in order to make me happy, and like a lot of things what the world says is a lie.  There’s no formula or mold to happiness or success.  When it’s all boiled down and I take a step back the words Zach says about affecting others ring true.  If the people in my life are happy, it’s really all that matters to me.  It also frees me from the constrictions of trying to figure out where I should be at and which people I should be spending time with.  No matter what someone’s past is unto themselves or coinciding with my own, there are reasons why they are still in my life.  History is history and although educational, does not dictate the future in and of itself.  It’s time to stop worrying about why people are who they are or what they are to me and if they should be in my life, and just enjoy things as they happen and let people know that I love them.

When it comes down to it, all worry and anxiety can be traced back to fear of mortality.  Not being able to get what we want in life, not being fulfilled before we pass, not making a mark on the world; these are really the heart of what causes us to be up at night.  I thought Zach summed up these fears in such a beautifully simplistic way.  He says, “Death is just another thing on the agenda kind of.  Yeah it’s scary, but the only reason why it’s scary is because you don’t know what’s next, or if there is a next.  It’s kind of like sitting in the dark. So you can either choose to be freaking out in the dark and thinking ‘what’s out there?’ Or you can just relax and fall asleep.”

Things will happen.  People and situations will hurt us, it’s natural to feel sadness and pain. On the other side of the coin we can’t live life in the shadow of these moments waiting for the next one to happen.  We can’t over analyze our issues to the point of being black and white and safe because emotion is what makes life wonderful.  We are all so blessed to have stories like Zach’s to reflect on and let ourselves be vulnerable to.  I highly recommend taking the 22 minutes and 20 seconds to share in his beautiful life and message.  (I also highly recommend doing it at a moment when tissues are accessible.  I was a teary snotty mess walking home from my run today.)

Do what makes you fulfilled, love the people who deserve it, and remember that life is a magnificent process that carries on even when we’re not there to see it.



Dear Optimism,

Dear Optimism,

When I was younger I’d always used to hear, “There are two kinds of people, those who see the promise of tomorrow, and those who see the tragedy of yesterday.”  The problem that I think people face is the fact that optimism and pessimism; two of the standards by which we define ourselves, are ideals rooted in the future.  When we live looking to the future in these capacities, there is the disillusionment that eventually either EVERYTHING is possible or NOTHING is possible.  This is because the underlying needs of the present can’t be met while constantly looking forward.  If you’re going through something now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t hold out for a brighter future, but it’s not helping anything to daydream of tomorrow before grasping at your current situation and actually overcoming it.


While living in the realm of the future can cause anxiety and worry about things that have not even come to pass, constantly revisiting memories and the past (where many pessimists find their fuel) breeds a life of depression and remorse.  If you had a shitty past which you relive everyday in your mind…your outlook on today and tomorrow is probably going to be pretty bleak.  If you had glory days that have come and gone, there is a longing created when reveling in them on a constant basis.  I know  people say learn from the past, and they’re right.  But it’s self deprecating to try and cling to anything that has passed because it’s trying to bring to life something that doesn’t belong in this time period.  Like a tyrannosaurus kickin it in a FroYo joint today; isn’t compatible and leads to a lot of mess and pain.  Don’t let the t-rex’s of your past affect today’s Froyo.


In this way, I see optimism and pessimism as equally detrimental thought patterns in their own right when focused on too deeply.  So…how do we win?  Living breathing and acting in the present are some of the most horrifyingly difficult things to do.  Physically it makes sense because…where else are you existing except now?  But mentally as we are sentient beings with the capacity to project and remember, it’s almost easier to reflect and daydream rather than open our eyes to whats happening in the moment.  But the present is so terrifyingly beautiful to habitat, once you get there I imagine it’s quite awesome.


Obviously as this is my blog these are issues I’ve been dealing with and have not found my happy normal.  In truth I will never be normal and for this I’m quite grateful for it affords me so many more opportunities to explore.  And what I’m presenting as an ideal here is a process, not an endgame.  No one is ever going to be content all the time that’s ludicrous and boring.  But the present journey we are on to work towards our dreams and honor our past is so staggeringly magnificent, I wish we could see it as it is unfolding.


One of the things I find myself doing as I am in a state of flux and change, is looking to other people to try and find some kind of basis to work off of.  As social creatures it’s only natural to have people to look up to and confide in.  No one should make an idol out of another individual though.  This adds fuel to the idea that EVERYTHING or NOTHING is possible because no matter how much I try, I will never be Jennifer Lawrence.  The beauty of that is it’s awesome because it means I will end up being unique and wonderful in my own light and I never have to worry about unnecessary expectations.  The people who are in our lives worthy of loving would never hold us to these expectations anyway.

Long story short, even though I continue to aspire to be an optimist it’s ok to be dealing with the issues of right now.  There’s no shame in feeling sad or overwhelmed with life as it is.  Using the knowledge gained in the past to navigate the waters of today in order to reach our goals of tomorrow is all we can hope for.  Like most of my posts I am not sure where I started as to end up where I am now…but hopefully it made some sense.  As long as we wake up breathing things are going to work out.  We’re all awesome and basically some days are shitty but some days when we’re in the zone with the right people will leave us feeling like this:


And that’s the dream.


Just finished a juice cleanse which…was not the best idea while my lady times were visiting…but basically pretzel crisps are my life right now.  I don’t know if those two thoughts sync up…but juice happened (and probably won’t happen again) and crisps are happening right now.  OH are they happening.



Dear Boys,

Dear Boys,

Yes.  I am an awkward date.  I think normal women would apologize, but when you ask me what I like to do in my spare time and I say, “well when it’s not shark week I’m hauling things around my farm, manning the bandsaw at work, or having dance-offs in parking garages” I think I painted a pretty clear picture of what you are getting into.  So sorry I’m not sorry…my weirdness was prefaced, and I keep things honest.


The other night I creeped on a couple in their mid twenties having what seemed to be their first date at a restaurant where obviously I was eating alone.  No shame I love food.  Anyway everything about it seemed so terrifically normal it intrigued me.  No random succession of quoting lyrics from Biz Markie, Katy Perry, and Willie Nelson.  No accidentally spitting or drooling while singing said lyrics.  No confession of actual hunger on the girls part and taking down 2 orders of chili cheese nachos.  And definitely no talk about how one develops secret racist tendencies toward European travelers in Asia.  Just civil tactful conversation between two interested parties.  The girl had her salad the guy had his chicken primavera and everything seemed right in their world.

I was there for the initial, “Are-are you Jenny?  Oh good I’m Darren”  and stayed for the, “Where did you park?  Let me walk you to your car.”  From what I could gather from my carefully honed stalking skills it was an date initiated by an online dating site with an undisclosed title.  He is an insurance agent and she a nurse.  The conversation blossomed quite naturally out of them talking of their professional and family lives and the various other hobbiest pursuits.  He windsurfs and has a pet bulldog, she kayaks watches Sleepyhollow and loves bikram yoga.  Not once did Alan Rickman’s spot on portrayal of Hans Grueber in Die Hard or how to fix your car with duct tape factor into their combined musings…what the hell is wrong with me???


It all seemed so quintessential and perfect that it made me question my ability to function in front of people in general.  As you can guess I don’t date much, and when I do it’s always worth watching (see first paragraph).  It’s pretty apparent why this gal don’t have a ring on it (again see first paragraph).  The way the world functions I take it is there can only be so many eligible individuals.  If we were all eligible, we’d all be in relationships.  I just happen to fall into one of those funky, eclectic, slightly creepy, Pheobe-from-Friends type of girls category…who like Pheobe will probably end up being a surrogate for a relative or close friend, officiate best friend’s weddings, sing to random strangers on the street, and live out her days solo but always workin it.

It makes me really worry sometimes that despite the numerous awkward happenings that go on during my “dates” (if you could call them that) that guys still call me after.  This must mean there’s something mutually wrong with the both of us right?  I guess if the end game is to get into each other’s pants that’s a pretty mutual sentiment, but I think I give off a pretty butchy vibe so…I don’t know where I was going with that.  Basically boys, no one should date me.  Let’s all be friends and dance around parking garages.  I hope all your relationships are as happy and normal as Jenny and Darren and you don’t have to deal with this hot mess over here.  The end.


I recently acquired some saffron, and subsequently have been eating tons of carbs…laced with rich saffron based recipes.  It’s been a good time going in, but…well…I’ll leave the rest of that sentence out.



Dear Craftiness,

Dear Craftiness,

I realize that over the past couple weeks posts have been pretty debbie downer.  It was very cathartic to throw what I needed to say out into the universe instead of having it tucked away in my moleskin diary.  Anyway I came across an post in one of my favorite blogs Mommy Shorts about a mom who with her daughter creates dresses using paper and other reclaimed household objects.  The only thing I could think to myself was, “SOMEONE GET ME A SMALL CHILD RIGHT NOW THIS IS HAPPENING!”  (Don’t judge me for following a mommy blog it’s hilarious.  No shame and no pedo.)

I’m very sure I’ve mentioned in the past the affinity I hold for creating costumes made completely by hand and (almost) completely out of duct tape and cardboard.  I’m not sure when this all started really, but honestly no one is surprised that this has become a passion of mine (I’m super strange.  It’s just how it is).  Even though my portfolio of designs is not as vast as I would like it to be, each has taken on it’s own memorial spirit…as they are all built to only last one night.  It’s not shoddy workmanship on my part, it’s just when you’re walking around in wall to wall post consumer cardboard material, you want to be able to abandon said article in a timely manner.  Because although I love my work. it’s hot…like balls hot in there.

My first documented dance with costuming would have to be hat one year I tried to be Goku from Dragonball Z.  In place golden super sayan locks I went with the rainbow wig my dad had bought for a UH Rainbow Warriors tailgating event.


It was a good year for costumes.  Notice Kristen’s Dumbledore in the foreground.  We had to improvise a beard so she spent most of the night attached to the wall where the fake spiderwebs were hanging from.  Also Marissa peeking into this photo had an amazing Patrick Star costume also handmade.  She actually is waybetter at this whole thing than I am.  I will try to find a full version picture of her.  As you can see this didn’t involve duct tape or cardboard, but a couple well colored sheets from the closet and goodwill.  I hadn’t discovered my mediums of choice yet.

Second and probably most notable was the Megazord costume coming from the show everyone should have watched as a child Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.  Unfortunately I myself have no documentation of this prized costume, but you can probably imagine the original as it clunkily graced the screen of your home television screen clear in your minds eye (or you should be able to if you are at all proud of your childhood).


Truly it was a glorious sight to behold.  To top it off I added speakers in the mastodon shoulder area that continuously played the theme song on loop and a hatch where the rangers had their command center in the middle to which I dispensed candy through out that balmy halloween day. Probably the best part of this costume was the fact that I duct taped a pair of slippers into the triceratops and saber tooth foot holds to anchor them on my feet, subsequently making walking a flailing trundling mess…much like the original.  I had to dismantle myself before entering door ways to go to class and walking up stairs to the front of Alexander Hall to accept my best costume award (it was 20 dollars at Jamba Juice…really Punahou?).  Luckily I have the greatest friends who just followed me around and helped carry the pieces.  Seriously the best friends.  I shared the Jamba Juice with them to be sure.

Another so-to-say award winning costume was for the Border’s Bookstore premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  A lot of my friends were going as various characters from the book such as Harry, Ron, etc. a bunch of girls went as “Hoe Chang” a play off of Cho Chang…you know anything to slut it up a bit.  Naturally I decided my best bet was to pick an inanimate object and run with it.  So I was the golden snitch.


They had various age groups to which I was a contestant in the “adult” category.  Instead of doing an interview on stage to talk about my costume like everyone else, I had my friend Kyle who was dressed as Harry chase me around the store, thus highlighting the true nature of the object I was trying to portray.  Yes it was entertaining yet I still awaited my second place prize due to the fact that there was a guy who made what looked like a 2 month project dementor complete with stilts that housed dry ice that periodically emitted fog wherever he stepped. Needless to say one of the scariest moments of my existence was learning I had won first prize and seeing this giant black stilted Harry Potter fan drifting towards me through the children’s section isle.  Life resumed after he very politely asked to take a picture of me floated away and I was forced to do interviews with local news stations.  They were super awkward I made sure of that.  (Once again only a $25 gift card…there is no money in cardboard cosplay I suppose)

A few other costumes that I hold pride in are:

His and hers batman prom costumes


The Jamba Juice umbrella


Ms. Pac Man


Water cooler


and most recently Sprinkler


Basically this post was to just show off how awesome I am at making things out of nothing.  They’re not quality…but then again they are totally worth it.  Long story short, my future children are going to have pretty spectacular costumes.

I’m not sure if there is such a thing as eating too much spaghetti…actually I’m certain there is and I have surpassed that limit…but I can’t help it.  At his current status, Baxter is about 7 months along…Baxter being my food baby for those of you not in the know…now you know.



Dear Stranger,


Dear Stranger,

The incredibly sad dichotomy of this situation is that you were once someone I knew better than I thought I knew myself.  I’m not sure what happened or if it was anyone’s fault, but somehow we’re back at the point we started.  Instead of walking toward each other however, we’re walking in opposite directions.  What do we do with the happiest memories that seem to cause the most heartache at the end of a friendship?  Is it worth it to even hold on to any of the ideas that once fueled the amazing feat of shaping the relationship of two individuals?

There are really no answers to these questions as we all experience the passing of love differently.  Some people tend to cut their losses completely and try to strike forward with a sense of immediacy.  Others need whatever closure they can glean out of the fraying ends of the ties that once bound them so closely to that other being.  More still will sit in the silence of absence never really knowing how to heal, but waiting for something to strike itself up as an answer.  No one way is greater or healthier or the better response, and realizing this is one of the hardest parts of losing a friend.  We all want to believe that there is a good way or a right way to walk away from someone, but in the end each footstep taken in whatever direction is full of pain, regret, and the want for a different solution.  There will never be a way that makes you feel “relieved” about a decision to separate yourself from love, even if it is a love that needs to end.

In going through one of these situations, it tends to feel overly dramatic, at least to me.  If you’re the kind of person who goes for that final conversation, more often than not you realize the futility of trying to talk things out because let’s be honest the issue of communication probably factored into the reasons for you leaning away in the first place.  The talk is meant to be constructive, and geared to make both parties involved experience the least amount of awkward tension.  Going in you can rationalize every point you want to make in a clean and tidy outline, but in practice feelings are messy and unfortunately there is never a “good time” to have this conversation.  These factors alone will always do you in.

You leave reeking of broken failure knowing that is probably the last time you’ll talk to your friend in that, “why would they want to deal with the complete and utter mess that is me instead of moving on?” and wishing things would have gone any other way.  All your other friends will tell you, “don’t worry you didn’t do anything wrong” or “it’s the other person’s problem now.”  Still, that feeling that you personally brought about the final moments of something beautiful can’t be shaken.

But one of the things to remember is that that singular feeling of loss and heartache is actually what you were looking for all along.  We’re not all masochists, but every in endeavor we set out on, we are seeking an emotional response consciously or not.  Nothing in this world can exist without it’s polar opposite, and until you feel the pain of the situation and recognize it to be true, you will never begin to heal that wound.  So, feel dramatic.  Let the gravity of what your heart is going through be acknowledged.  No one can judge you on how much you love, or how greatly you feel loss.  It’s the elegant and monstrous condition of being human.

The suggestion is to look to the future in trying to move forward; which makes physical sense after all.  It needs to be said though, to honor the past, even if there are things you’d like to forget there or cause you distress.  These are the experiences that make it possible for us to have a future as a mature and able minded person.  As cheesy as it sounds, the end of one adventure is the beginning of another.  Go ahead, take a day to feel sad or remorse about your decision.  Being emotionally vulnerable sucks and we all know it.  Don’t get stuck there though.  Although I think pain is a necessary evil, it needs to give way to healing at some point, and our own positive energy can only speed that process along.

This “ending” I keep talking about doesn’t have to mean you lose someone completely, it could be the start to a different chapter of your friendship, healthier in that you both have an understanding of one another you didn’t have before.  But even if it is the last conversation you have, let it come out of a place of love; a love that wants the best for yourself as well as this other person who still means the world to you.  If the best means becoming strangers again, at least you have the unshakable strength in knowing that along with the power to survive the breaking up of love, you have the spirit and resilience to bring it about again with the billions of other strangers who possess potential to love all that is beautiful and wonderful about you.

Chocolate. Just chocolate.